I “quit” therapy today. I say this in quotations because that isn’t really the correct word. For the record, I think having a therapist for your whole life makes a lot of sense. But for me, for now, I truly believe I can move forward on my own with the tools I’ve been given. I knew that it was time. I also know that I can always go back. I will continue to work every day to build my life, particularly now that I have the proper resources to do so … a factor that I didn’t have until now, after therapy.
Is it Over?
Therapy, in a sense, will always be a part of my life from now on. I didn’t quit therapy in the formal sense. I have a wealth of knowledge I didn’t have before. After two months of soul searching, questioning, challenging, harboring resentment, releasing anger, feeling heavy, feeling small, and tremendous grief … I decided to finally trust myself. I decided to perceive the world as it is, not what I was trying to make it. I can enjoy the here and now. I can smile/cry/learn from the memories, and think about the future—all of it. But I mainly focus on today because that is the moment that contains the most agency and power.
As I write this, I feel the power of communicating–the power of accepting–the power of action. I don’t need to just think about things–I can do it. That may seem a bit obvious, but it’s a difficult concept for a person who suffers from anxiety. I’ve been living in all states of thought but the present most of the time.
Graduation Day?
Instead of looking at this day as the day I quit therapy, I will look back on it as a graduation day, of sorts. 🎓 I recognized that I was ready to move forward with my life, carrying the newly acquired knowledge with me. My therapist asked me what my scale of anxiety was for the day on a scale of one to ten. I said around a five, which is pretty high, all things considered. Before therapy sessions, I would tend to get anxious, but the reason for my anxiety at that moment went a bit deeper than I could see at the time.
I realized after this “graduation session” that the last time I had a graduation, things did not go the way I had thought they would. I thought I had all the tools–all the ingredients to move forward in my life. Things didn’t go according to plan. No job. I had no clue where to turn next. I only knew that I loved my husband and wished to care for him and our family. Nothing else really made sense. The thing is … did it need to make sense?
The Change
Somewhere along the line, I decided that living through a lens of anxiety and grief was a burden I had to carry at all times. I held on to a constant cumulation of perceived threats that, in theory, could easily cause more pain if I didn’t keep them in everything that I did. Most moments of the day were spent as an inquisition, of sorts. Instead of looking through the world with healthy curiosity and optimism, I saw the world as a scary, unforgiving place. I had the misconception that I needed to hold on to these possible threats, or I wasn’t doing an adequate job of living.
Moving Forward
I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to feel anxious. I will continue to have doubts. But what is so reassuring is that I can now look at these thoughts honestly and say, “That’s ok. What can I do now?” That is all you can or must do. There will still be problems; that is life. But now … I can face them with better insight. If there is no solution now, everything will still be ok. And I am more than ok. I’m feeling courageous. I’m feeling empowered. I’m feeling pure grace. You can feel all of the feelings at once. Feelings and thoughts are not you; they are a part of your experience of the world. It’s an important distinction.
I was saying goodbye to Mary Poppins, or a trusted teacher–someone who meant so much to me in transforming my life. Thank you, BetterHelp therapist, for your gentle insight. Thank you for allowing me the space to figure things out, only this time, with the necessary supplies that I’d previously been missing. I did not “quit” therapy, but instead carried it with me each day. I now carry on in life, tassel placed to the other side of the hat, with a sense that I am never going to know it all. At least I know a little more–and that is beautiful.
Some Topics for Discussion
Have you been to therapy? Has it been helpful? Did you have to leave and later return to therapy? Leave a comment below ⬇️
A Lil’ Disclaimer about comments:
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
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