My Wedding Day

Mourning My Late Mom’s Physical ABSENCE, but not Her Undeniable Presence

I’ve seen many pictures of Mom in the bin in the front room of Dad’s house. Pictures of Mom sending my sister and me off to first days of school, family trips, and just random days together barely fit into the bin designated to hold the precious memories from the years. 

Diving into my own memories, I think of what those moments meant to Mom. As my sister and I left the driveway to step onto the bus for the first day of kindergarten, what could she have felt? Perhaps she felt proud that her girls were growing up, or sad that we wouldn’t be home every hour of the day with her. Maybe she was relieved to have a little time to herself. 

Was she tired from the long night after Christmas Eve, when in the morning we opened our presents in such a frenzy? Looking back, my view on those moments, I’m sure, was different from hers. I was nervous to go on to the first day of school, and simply a ball of excitement on Christmas morning when I found out that Santa had arrived. 

I may have been oblivious to her thoughts at the time. Yet, I know how she felt, because I felt it, too. I could feel her warmth and love without any doubt.  

My Mom’s Wedding

One of my favorite photos in the bin, and my favorite picture of Mom, has always been one of her wedding photos.  Although there are many photos I adore of Mom, my favorites were the ones in her younger years, when she was healthier, before she started to show symptoms of her sickness. She was married in the middle of a huge snowstorm. From what my mom told me, many people were unfortunately not able to make it to the ceremony. 

I laugh at the pictures of both Mom and Dad. Mom, standing elegantly and poised, was a stark contrast to Dad, who made the conscious decision to wear a powder blue suit from head to toe, complete with a white ruffled shirt and powder blue bow-tie. Mom wore a simple long, white dress with a fully feather-trimmed white robe complete with a gorgeous feather-outlined train. I smile every time I see the photos. 

But my favorite was the one of just Mom. Looking like a true snow angel, she gazed down at her wedding ring, surrounded by the dreamy white feathers of her hooded gown.  

My Own Wedding

I had the honor of facing my own wedding without the comfort of Mom physically being with me. I say this because I now look back and the fact that there are no pictures of Mom in my own wedding album seemed foreign to me.

To be truthful, I was expecting to feel an emptiness at my wedding since Mom could not be there.   I remember being completely sick to my stomach early the morning of my wedding to the love of my life, Tim—one of my best friends. I couldn’t even eat breakfast—I was terribly nervous. Luckily, I was surrounded by incredible friends and family the morning of my wedding. 

Even with their presence, I was still a bit overwhelmed with the logistics of wedding stuff.  I wondered about silly things, like, “I hope the hair and make-up people come on time.  Will Tim remember to bring the unity candles and the escort cards?  And why was it that of all times, my dress had to have a tear on it?” 

It’s All Going to Be Alright

As the doubts came trickling in, so did the solutions. I knew that Tim was probably one of the most responsible people I’ve ever met, so no need for me to worry. I knew that I had scheduled the appointment with the hair and make-up people ages ago, and the worst-case scenario would be that I have to go to the drug store and get some makeup. And, most thankfully enough, my great friend’s mother, who was hosting me for the night, was a talented seamstress who easily fixed the tear with no problem. What an awesome group of people I had! Still, I could not seem to shake the rolling in the pit of my stomach.

My heart seemed to beat a thousand a minute, but I tried to calm myself, without much luck, I must admit, as we traveled in the car to the wedding venue. When we arrived at the parking lot, it was then, so suddenly, that all my worries just disintegrated away as if they never existed. I felt this overwhelming peace that I can only describe as feeling like I was arriving at home after a terrible day away. 

My Mom’s Presence

Suddenly, my wedding day was the least complicated day of my life.  It was as if my greatest friend in the world was right beside me. I felt peace. Of course, I knew I was making the best decision of my life, so that helped, too.

But there was something more to it.  I had plenty of amazing friends and family by my side already, but truthfully, I was expecting a big, gaping, irreplaceable hole because Mom was not physically with me that day. I knew that I had kept her in my heart all this time before, but it was now, here, in the parking lot of the small restaurant on the road close to where Mom grew up, where I felt her gentle grace and demeanor in all my soul. 

In the bridal suite, some of the dearest women of my life surrounded me. And one of the most important figures in my life, Mom, was irrefutably there by my side every moment of that day. Walking down the aisle, cutting the cake, and during the first dance with my husband, I knew her spirit was around us.  

Her Peace Still Resides In My Heart All Days

Without having to look through any picture or memory of Mom, I feel complete acceptance and love. Mom was home, home was Mom. She was my haven in times of uncertainty and in times of stress, my companion in times of happiness, and throughout the ordinary days of life. 

She was my pillar of strength—my friend. No one else knew how to make me feel at home like Mom. There are days that I feel her presence today—in times of doubt and in times of happiness. It doesn’t have to be an extraordinary day for me to feel the comfort I felt from Mom. 

I feel the strength she gave me in fighting through the jitters of the first day of school and the joy she shared with me on Christmas morning. Through all these photos—these memories, the light from her soul still stays with me in my heart each and every moment. I am truly blessed.

Note: Again, I wrote this years ago, but sharing now. I think it’s important to remember that sadness from grief can be strong. But so can the inner peace in knowing that the impact of a person you love is so much stronger. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. If you have grief, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t berate yourself for the sad that comes with even the happy memories. It’s a part of losing someone, and it’s okay. But it’s also okay to be happy, too. Joy can be the other part of grief. Both are beautiful. ❤️