I went back to therapy recently. I’ve lost my job, and I feel like my purpose has escaped me somehow. Now, I’m feeling restless, impatient–discontented. There’s an overall sense of a drive–a need–to move on to the next thing. I need to skip over all the fluff. Forget the time needed to process–I need to know where I stand in life, already! Like many of us people do in this crazy world, I used ChatGPT yesterday to ask the big question: what makes someone content? And more importantly, why, despite all reasons not to, do I not feel at peace?
I know, I know. 😓Why in the world does it make sense to ask AI such a human question? Well, it really doesn’t…but that’s how desperate I was, haha. AI may be inspired by content written by humans, but…needless to say, I took its answer with a grain of salt.
What’s funny is, at the top of the site, the words “skip to content” came up–meaning, skip through the fluff and get to the ingredients list on the recipe, please. The word “content” contains two different words with different meanings, but both are notably relevant to the question I asked.
Is it Wrong to Want to Skip to the Good Stuff?
Can’t we all just skip to the parts that make us feel whole? I hate to say it, but that is kind of a TikTok-like mentality, isn’t it? Let’s move on after a short two-minute clip, why don’t we? All of the important stuff just lies a few chapters away. Just skip to the content, already!
This led me to more questions. What makes us feel stable? Why is pain a requirement at certain points in our lives? And why do I so badly want to skip over it? ⏩
Well, duh, you might say. Pain is, well, painful. It’s not always necessary for growth, is it? I don’t think so. But after experiencing pain several times in my life, I have learned that it can creep in whether we look for it or not. And, to be honest, the experience can be a catalyst for much-needed change.
Fabricating pain, however, is another thing entirely. I don’t want to dwell on anything that isn’t actually there. It’s always tempting for me to brand my feelings as silly and logic them away. Meanwhile, I’m still feeling small.
You can’t Find Content Without acknowledging the Beautiful Present
Right now, the feelings are unpleasant, but also demanding to be heard. I have experienced terrible loss. My mom passed away years ago. She was important to me. She helped me to problem solve, to believe in myself, and to value the small things. It frustrates me that now, in these moments, I don’t feel the weight of the good I’ve been doing…just the things I haven’t done.
I also lost my job recently…if six months count as recent, lol. It was devastating. I loved my job and tried to (unsuccessfully) guard my heart against tying my worth to that job. I knew I was worth something with or without it. But I enjoyed the changes I saw in myself through that job. Ambition was somewhat of a dirty word when it came to before that experience (I know…a hot take). Humility was more important to me, and so, I avoided bringing attention to myself.
My perspective changed a bit when I saw my name as one of the writers for a project I worked on in the pages following the cover. It gave me a little boost of confidence. I contributed to that. I let myself be seen.
Working toward something didn’t make me feel like I was stealing the spotlight from someone else; it gave me purpose–one that could help others. Now, I find myself lost, despite all my being fighting against it. I am content, I tell myself. I have built this life, and it is beautiful.
Can’t I just process the Feeling Later?
But there is something going on that I’m having trouble understanding. Beneath my logic of knowing that I am still doing good and I’m still lining up with my values, I feel a sense of something missing. I keep clinging to this sense that I can “skip to the content” when this, right now, is the content! I am here, living now. It’s okay to share myself with other people. I guess I liked where I was, my happy bubble with people I trust. Why let in a bunch of other unknown people into my life?
But here I am, realizing that this may be the missing content. I want to connect to others. And I’m scared to death. I’m just trying to figure it out.
Some Topics for Discussion
Do you sometimes wish you could skip to the good part? Does life seem so unpredictable that you wish you knew the ending? Do you long to connect to others, too? Leave a comment below ⬇️
A Lil’ Disclaimer about comments:
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
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