Hi everyone! In this post, I’m putting out the journal I wrote through therapy to share with you all my first experience with meditation (after being on a very long hiatus). This is literally the text I sent to my therapist:
I’m a little worried (big surprise lol) that when I take a moment to try to relax with meditation in particular, I find myself very uncomfortable. I downloaded an app for meditation, and I have done two sessions. I know that with time and practice, I can relax fully this way. I’ve found that I can relax in other ways, like watching a video or playing a game. For now, for some reason, it is hard to fully invest my time in that moment while meditating for a few minutes. I guess I need to be patient with myself. At one point, I was able to give myself some quiet moments. I want to allow myself to get back to that.
I am worthy of love, and I am a kind, caring person who works so hard. Although I am uncomfortable working on myself so much, I know that it is important that I do this now. I need to give myself permission to care about myself.
I’ve noticed a pattern in a lot of self-help mantras that have a lot to do with loving yourself. I want to give the same care and time to myself as I do to others. It doesn’t feel natural, but I know that God would say that it is good.
I don’t know where along the line I’ve been telling myself that shame, guilt, and fear were good motivators to do anything. It’s been holding me down.
Please Therapist–What Gives?
I wish to view things more simply, but I think my head has been training itself for so long to do the opposite. While I am so grateful for going to college, I can pinpoint that period of time when complex thinking became essential. I think I have trouble turning it off … or at least dialing it down.
It’s pretty ridiculous, but I’ve realized that I’m super scared that there is something you may see in me that is a “terrible flaw” that needs to be fixed. I already search too far in myself for these flaws, so it’s so embarrassing to have someone else pinpoint my issues and help bring me out of this (as it is their job, lol). I know this is also not a good way of looking at things at all. This is why I’m here…at first, I thought it was to be a better person…but no. I think I need to seek peace. That may open doors in the future for other things, but that doesn’t matter right now. Right now, I’m in need of support, and it’s ok to ask for it.
The Mistrust is Real
I find myself trying to talk myself into a lot of things. For so long, I didn’t trust my judgment, even though it’s led me to so many good decisions. I gloss over any accomplishments I have and perceive that I need to make new ones, or I’m not living up to God’s purpose for me. It’s so unfair what I’ve been doing. I’ve been a bit “stuck” for a while, and I have wrongly believed that it meant that I wouldn’t make a change if I was called to do so. I have already made so many changes and have adapted in life better than I give myself credit for. I’ve shamed myself for any “imperfect” feelings like anger or sadness, even though I’ve been doing all I can to address my feelings and act accordingly.
I haven’t allowed a valve to open my crazy overthinking self in a while. I get that writing, gentle exercise, paying attention to my needs, and meditation will help. It already has. I think I’m just so scared of spending so much effort on myself. What’s sad is that I know how ridiculous that is…to not see yourself as important. The only person you are responsible for at all times is yourself. I take care of everyone around me very well…I’ve been overlooking myself a lot.
Some Topics for Discussion
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
What do you think of meditation? Has it helped you? Are you new to it? Did it feel boring?
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