“Lord, why are you keeping me here?”
–“Flowers” by Samantha Ebert
I was driving one day, and this song came on. It made me listen. It was “Flowers” by Samantha Ebert. There I was, alone in the car, sobbing about flowers in a valley. It’s been a season of difficulty, for sure. I will be the first to say that I am a very blessed person, but there are moments (okay, many moments 😅)when I just don’t know where to go or what I’m doing.
First, I want to say this post isn’t meant to alienate anyone. It’s only my own experience, and everyone is welcome here. So, I would love it if you’d like to stay. But no pressure, ever.
I am a Christian. A space in my heart is always filled with the love of God. As a kid, church was a big part of my life. Now, throughout the seasons of my life, whether I go to church twice a week to only private prayer at home, I have been grateful for the presence of God at all moments. I’m sure others believe that there is only one way to go about being a Christian, and that’s okay. I’m not so sure I agree with that.
Just a little Flower in the Valley
I’ll be the first to say that I am no perfect being–no perfect Christian. I mean…it does come with the territory. There was only one perfect person on this earth–if you know, you know. 😉 I’ve fallen into the trap of trying to be a perfect human, and it unfortunately kept me still–unmoving, stuck. It’s funny how that works when you try to achieve an unattainable goal. If perfect is the only solution, then what’s the point? You will quite literally never get there.
But I digress. The feeling of brokenness goes beyond the feeling of missing the mark or falling short. It can feel like a giant ball rolled into your chest that doesn’t want to go away. No, it’s not a ball of mucus from a cold. That’s just pure disappointment in there.
But seriously…being in a hole–or like in the case of this beautiful song, a valley–can feel like you don’t deserve better, and you’ll always be there. “Why are you keeping me here?” The song said.
This part angered me a little, I’ll admit. As a Christian, I understand that God is not at fault, so this line made me uncomfortable. But then I realized…that might be the very reason why I need to look at this line a little longer. Why did it bother me?
I Desperately want a Replant
And then it made sense. He can do all things, so why hasn’t He taken me out of this valley?
Then I was flooding myself with judgment. How dare I feel this entitlement? What do I know about the way, the truth, and the light?
The balance of waiting on the lord and taking action is difficult to understand. People do all the right things and end up in all the wrong places, or so it seems. I know I’ve made choices–often safe ones, to be honest–that I thought were the “right” ones. But often, things don’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. As a Christian, I want to be led by God, so it’s kinda hard to know where to start sometimes.
But I have the responsibility of the gift of free will. I can be whomever I choose to be–and that is beautiful. God has entrusted us all to come back to Him on our own.
So I see that I’m just a little seedling–a flower that has yet to bloom. I know this metaphor is used so much, but it’s because it is so on point. Flowers are beautiful, rainy seasons are tough, and perspective brings more clarity.
Can’t Always Be On This Hilltop
The cycle also starts all over again, sometimes. I felt like I was on the mountain recently, looking down at the beautiful flower that sprang from that seed God planted. But now, I’m back in the valley, feeling like the flower that had grown is now dying–questioning everything. Silly me, looking toward the old flower’s corpse, as God is slowly planting more seeds while my back is turned.
I’m slowly being cared for by the one and only source of true love from heaven. He cares for me in both the valley and the hilltop.
God is the only one who truly understands. I know I am imperfect. I know I will never have all the answers. And I know that despite all my fear, doubt, and inadequacies, God is the only one who knows. I will do all I can with my small brain. I’m bound to do the wrong thing. But you have to take the path of radical acceptance. This life, despite all of our efforts to control all parts, will never happen the exact way we plan it. God has that taken care of–and guess what? I think we’ll be safest there.
“I’m a good God and I have a good plan”
–“Flowers” by Samantha Ebert
Some Topics for Discussion
Is God a big influence in your life? Do you feel like you’re just starting all over again? Are you annoyed by all the flower metaphors (lol)? Leave a comment below ⬇️
A Lil’ Disclaimer about comments:
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
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