Woah, hold on. I know that’s a lot. Please stay with me.
Let’s start with some painfully obvious facts. I’m Christie, and I am existing in this world, just as you are. But I’ve found that for years, I’ve ignored that simple fact. You may be asking, “What does it mean to exist, then, because I thought that happened without any effort?” Well, it does, and that’s the point. Confused? I was, too. Don’t worry–I’ve got your back. An existential crisis is tough.
Let’s take a moment for some backstory. I decided to open up this blog after an existential crisis. There. I said it. It’s tough to say that…even now. But I refuse to be embarrassed. At nearly forty, it makes sense that I would think about getting my life together. 😅
My journey through this crisis started with intense anxiety from the stresses of life and turned into fear, depression, and hopelessness. I had no idea that with some help, I was about to step into a new world that would bring me to a very different way of existing.
It’s Hard Just Being Here
Throughout this blog, I will be sharing some very personal, but important journals that I wrote during this critical time of my life. I also have some journals I’ve written in the past that literally sat in my computer for almost ten years. Now, I am happy to put them out in the world for no other reason than I hope in some way it can be useful to you.
The best way for me to map out this journey of existence is to share with you all the power of mindfulness. If you’ve seen a therapist or are a person who meditates, this is probably a very familiar term for you.
For those that are not familiar (this was me!), mindfulness is the act of fully taking in the environment–the sights, sounds, smells, tastes–all the senses. It is also the observation (but not judgment) of thoughts and feelings in your mind. Essentially, focusing on the now.
RAfiki Knows
When I first thought about this concept, I was absolutely certain that I had already been doing that. But I was not–not fully, anyway. This is why I had anxiety.
When I chose to fully immerse myself in the very moment I was living, I became aware of the most powerful tool to existing–the now! I made a conscious effort to stop spiraling into a frenzy of possible scenarios in the future or dwelling on the past, and it changed the way I think completely.
By some beautiful circumstance, I am right now, at this moment, speaking to you through this platform. Hi! I’m glad you’re here because I don’t think this is just a coincidence. I only wish to share my story with you, because it was through my existential crisis, this extremely uncomfortable time in my life, that real transformation and true appreciation for me happened. I hope my experience can help you, too! There is so much to be excited about at this moment, but maybe you don’t feel that way yet. That’s completely understandable, and true to how I felt from the beginning of my waking up to the now.
REplacing Old Patterns
For years, I was training my brain to follow these patterns of constant worry. I felt that if I wasn’t consistently working through a problem or anticipating the next situation to come that I wasn’t doing an effective job of living. I was so wrong. Problem-solving is wonderful, but only when it is necessary. I was using worry as a crutch, a way to prove to myself that I was making things happen.
But I didn’t allow myself to rest. All of that knowledge, if you’d like to call it that, was being stored inside me with nowhere to go. Usually, the worries I would process didn’t even need to be explored, because they never happened. Yikes–that’s a lot of focus to put on something that bore no fruit in reality.
I became lost in my cloud of worry. That existential crisis was going nowhere.
Mistakes are NECESSARY
Now, I accept the gift of grace and recognize that for good change to happen, mistakes also must–not perhaps–be made. Of course, I will always use knowledge from experience from my past and the people around me to keep some mistakes from happening, but the reality is I will make them. This is a good thing because it means that I’ve decided to live outside of my mind–I’ve decided to live in the now. Perfection, although a lovely concept, is not possible. That is why learning and experiencing are so beautiful.
But I definitely am nowhere close to being an expert at this, lol.
Being ok with making mistakes may be very easy for some of you. That’s great! This wasn’t me. I was still very much at the bottom of a barrel of constant worry and fear. I was still caught in that existential crisis.
In fact, the fear of making a mistake or hurting someone’s feelings has always been a concern for me. But I recognized that by not putting out my perspective or point of view, by not participating in the now, I was robbing the potential for true growth in myself and the others around me. If the risk is perhaps–maybe–what if–the option of silence is too big a price to pay to avoid making a mistake.
Hmmm…mindfulness. That has a good ring to it.
Within the now, anything can be explored, and anything can be changed. If feelings were hurt, see it as an opportunity to come to a greater understanding with the person in front of you. Talk about it now. If you say something silly or make a fool of yourself, smile and see the beauty in humility. The only person you have true agency over is yourself. Cherish that! You are the only you–how wonderful is that?!
I almost didn’t start this blog. Why? Because I only know so little. But I realized that’s ok–that’s the human condition. I will try my best to receive good information at all times. Getting it right all the time will be impossible.
I wish to give clarity to the fact that the world is not clear, but that’s okay! There is also so much beauty in innocence. Experience can attempt to fill in the gaps. So here we go!
Some Topics for Discussion
Have you been feeling a bit unfulfilled lately? Is it difficult for you to stay in the moment, too? Leave a comment below ⬇️
A Lil’ Disclaimer about comments:
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
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