My husband calls me a bully. If you are someone who knows me, this may come as quite a shock. When I see a friend in need, I am one of the first to support her. I typically use kind words when I speak to others, I put my own needs aside frequently (and happily) to provide for others emotionally, and I empathetically look at every side of a story, which at times can be a blessing and a curse. When one person is accused of acting poorly or wrongly by someone else, I tend to think of things from their perspective and find a new understanding of their actions.
So…how does this make me a bully? Well, it doesn’t. But I’ll tell you why my husband was unequivocally correct. The other night, lying in bed after a get-together at our place with friends, I remember our conversation going a little bit like this:
“Those cookies you made were mmm…mmm delicious!” My husband said.
“Really? You think so? They were ok. They really needed more salt. Thanks, though.”
“Yeah, I do. They were great!”
“Well, thanks. You really don’t have to be nice.”
“But everyone said the same thing. You know I wouldn’t say that and not mean it. Just take a compliment! You are way too hard on yourself.”
Yikes!
It occurred to me that I only shared a small sampling of the thoughts in my head with my husband. Yikes…what would he think of me if he knew the full extent of my thoughts? To me, everyone was in on this mission to just make me feel better by pretending to like them. My cookies weren’t special. They weren’t perfect. Which meant– they weren’t good enough. I took a second to realize I was being a bit ridiculous–maybe they were telling the truth, and the only person who doubted it was me.
This is only a small, everyday example of negative thoughts I tend to harbor about myself. There is a difference between a critic and a bully–and I have been slowly trying to refocus on the former. It’s ok to admit the cookies needed more salt, but to dismiss any form of praise because they weren’t what I considered to be perfect was my inner bully.
The ways I treat myself in my thoughts are a far cry from how I treat others on the outside. I sometimes push my voice in the back of my mind into a corner and refrain, like a mother who is punishing her child, all of the things I had done wrong in that conversation, that test, or even that meal I cooked two nights ago. I even criticize myself for criticizing myself. It’s a vicious cycle. Each of these thoughts pushes my poor soul further and further inside of me, only allowing the filtered, fully ‘cleansed’ and beaten portion of myself to emerge. Heaven forbid that someone sees my flaws.
A Bully Only to One
When it comes to other people’s feelings, I don’t mess around. I hate misunderstandings, and I hate hurting others in any way. It has never been my aim to purposely hurt someone … but I can think daily of times I’ve belittled, bulldozed, and bashed my brain into tiny pieces for not being perfect. I am indeed a bully to one person—myself. And I am relentless.
Above all else, I value kindness and caring toward others, no matter what form it comes in. Through this realization comes another truth: that my need to bully myself is a very terrible, dysfunctional form of self-love. I want to be better—to strive for more. And this is what makes things complicated. I push myself—ok, no…I bully myself into looking at my flaws, attempting to draw them out, and propelling myself forward into this swamp of self-doubt and over-awareness of the sides to me that I wish to squash into non-existence. In this quest to be a greater person, I become paralyzed by the glaring imperfections I see in myself every day.
Admitting You Have a Problem is the First Step, Right?
It pains me to admit that my husband is right. I have a problem. I am a bully. As well-intentioned as it may be, I am not proud of it. I realize, now that I’m older (although it is a daily struggle), that being comfortable with your flaws is ok. It’s always important to look for improvement and make those positive changes in your life, but not at the expense of torturing your very soul. Constant taunting and negative thoughts can and will eventually take a toll on you spiritually and physically over time. Although deep down, I realize I find myself to be a really beautiful person, I still talk negatively to myself.
I wish I had a way to help others out with this, but the truth is…I am asking myself every day what I can do to improve my mindset. One day, I hope to turn this around and be positive to not just those around me, but also to a pretty important person—me! Maybe one day I will find the key to self-love without heavy criticism. My heart is heavy thinking of all the others out there who struggle as I do. To those reading: please stay gentle to yourself. If you’re trying, you’re awesome!
Some Topics for Discussion
Are you a bully to yourself? What have you done to keep your bully at bay? Do you have any coping skills on this one (I’d love to hear it!)? Leave a comment below ⬇️
A Lil’ Disclaimer about comments:
This blog is meant to be a springboard for discussions on some tough topics. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you’re not!
That hurt you feel? Someone knows it, too.
It doesn’t mean your hurt is less important. It means that you’ve got someone out there that is bound to understand. At least a little.
Things can get tricky. Not all people are kind. But most are just trying to survive.
It’s important to honor the nuances in what someone else is going through, too. Your experience is your own.
It’s complicated, yes.
I’m happy to encourage others to share their stories. Like on any other platform, vulnerability comes with risks. Don’t share unless you feel comfortable. You can count on me in the meantime to put it all out there. 😅
This one, I’m sure, will resonate with many people. I never really looked at it this way before, but it perfectly describes what I do to myself too. I’ve read it several times, and each time I think, “Huh, I never thought I’d be this way or treat myself like that, but I do, more often than I’d like to admit.”
It also makes me think of the phrase “practice what you preach.” I say that because I’m always encouraging others to be kind and compassionate, to offer a helping hand and show love. Yet I often fail to extend that same kindness to myself.
After realizing this, I’ve been trying to remind myself that when people give compliments, they usually mean them sincerely. I need to learn to accept those words with grace and believe that I’m deserving of them.
Thanks for your comment! I’m with you–compliments are so hard to take. I’m totally guilty of that, lol.